Enter the Västergötlanders

7:40pm, Uppsala, Sweden, 3 November 2009

I realised recently that despite having been here for almost 11 weeks, and having written somewhat irregularly but in significant volume about my experiences, I am yet to introduce you to any of the wonderful friends I've made. These are the people who have really made my experience here, filled my days with happy memories, my nights with drunken stupors and my stomach with far more Fika than can possibly be healthy. In no particular order, here they are:

Jonas “Cool” Schmöle

Hometown: Kassel, Germany. That's pretty much right in the middle. Just go to Google Maps, zoom in on the centre of Germany, and there it is.
Area of Study: Theoretical Physics (Masters level)
Physical Description: tall, blonde and generally Viking-esque, usually attired in cargo pants and black T-shirts, often with heavy metal bands on them.
Special Powers: tolerates (indeed adores) large amounts of chilli on everything – has been seen eating chilli flakes straight from the jar; almost never feels hungry but once eating rarely knows when to stop; rarely sleeps – actually studies in bed.
History: Jonas lives at the end of my corridor, and was just about the first person I met in Uppsala. We initially bonded during a rainy shopping trip to the far side of town on our first day. Wandering the aisles of COOP Forum, trying to find bikes with hand-brakes and laughing at the funny names in Ikea (“Strippa” standard lamps), we found ourselves connecting in spite of having almost nothing in common.
Features: Despite otherwise ruthless German efficiency, somehow tolerates my terminal indecisiveness, my painstakingly slow efforts at basic household tasks, my strange propensity to photograph my food before eating it and even my occasional slips into confusing Australian vernacular. Shares his ice-cream with me, cooks fantastic pizza, and makes me laugh at unexpected moments.
Greatest Life Moment: while attending an Amon Amarth concert in Stockholm, caught a plectrum thrown by the lead guitarist out of the air one handed while continuing to mosh. Why is his nickname Jonas “Cool”? Need I say more...
Secret Shame: Once got an A- on a test.
Life Goal: train himself to sleep just half an hour every four hours and remain awake the rest of the time, thus maximizing effective use of life cycle.
Quotes: A long and tuneful negation, in Schwarzenegger-esque accent, usually delivered in the face of the obviously ridiculous (like making cake in a microwave): “Nooooooo....nooo...nooo. No. That can't happen.” On discussing our ancestry: “My ancestors are German since....I don't know how long ago...five generations, ten generations...thirty generations.....there was nothing, there was fusion of atoms, there was Helium....und then, there was Schmöle...”

Lucy Arrowsmith – consists principally of Chocolate and Happy Dreams

Hometown: Australia's largest town: Adelaide.
Area of Study: Limnology, Geology, Ecology, Botany
Physical Features: Tall, slim and pale-skinned, dark hair and blue eyes. Perfect jelly-bean smile. Lower body usually visible from space due to extensive and technicolour collection of skinny jeans and leggings. Only person in Uppsala who owns and regularly wears a bicycle helmet.
Special Powers: always right about everything; has brilliant ideas on a whole range of topics (mostly food-related: Snowbercue, Meteorbercue, etc); can identify rocks by taste.
History: Lucy has become one of my closest friends in Uppsala, and we would probably not have met at all had I not heard her accent as she and her boyfriend queued behind me in the bar at Snerikes nation. Having bonded early on over Tim Minchin, Fika and Cheese & Vegemite toasties, Lucy is now my travelling companion of choice for cross-Baltic sojourns. Unfortunately, she lives at Lilla Sunnersta (the Uppsala equivalent of Pakenham – for distance, not for unclassy-ness) which means being friends involves more exercise than I am really comfortable with. Luckily we usually eat more than enough chocolate and cheese to make up for any undue exercise.
Features: cooks delicious and entertaining fusion cuisine (e.g. Swedish meatballs in Satay sauce wrapped in Tortillas) but apparently subsists mostly on cheese & vegemite toasties; heavy addiction to Somersby Pear Cider, aka “Sugary Crack-Water”; attempting to gradually introduce me to the “popplar musicks” of the 20th and 21st centuries.
Greatest Life Achievement: fell in a Lake whilst on a field trip.
Secret Shame: loves Muse.
Life Goal: Get posted to scientific research station in Antarctica.
Quotes: on her personal philosophy: “Fuck it, we're in Sweden.”; on seeing frost for the first time, and (while nodding earnestly) every time something wonderful has happened since: “We live in Magic Land!”; whenever the occasion arises: “FRIEND!”

Simon Cowley – Gentleman Thief

Hometown: Haywards Heath, Sussex, the Home Counties, England. Born in Rome and occasionally pretends to be Italian.
Area of Study: Philosophy – currently studying Swedish History and Culture
Physical Description: average height, spindly build, possible love-child of Gumby and Stephen Fry. General air of mirth and mischief: often seen grinning maniacally, eyes twinkling. Appears to own only two flannelette shirts, two ironic t-shirts, two mandigans and a single fleece-lined jacket.
Special Powers: Gentleman Thief; once worked as a postman for the Royal Mail – can do tricks on bicycle as a result; Combination Attack: regular and remarkably deft purloining of my Studentmösse while cycling at speed (always returns the hat); Apparently resistant to cold (see above re clothing).
Features: Grinch par excellence: likes to destroy peoples hopes and dreams, especially mine. Tells small children that Father Christmas doesn't exist, would happily ruin Thanksgiving if he weren't so busy denying its existence. Burns an effigy of the Pope on the 5th of November every year. Has travelled widely, especially in Europe, but has never been to Scotland because it is “impossibly far north”. Ferocious loyalty to the England tempered only slightly by crushing awareness of reality (e.g. there will never be Bluebirds over the White Cliffs of Dover – they're native to North America). Defended Marmite vigorously and at length in the face of Australians, despite not actually liking it himself. Eventually defeated in Marmite vs. Vegemite blind taste-test challenge; Vegemite emerged victorious. Sings 'Jerusalem' with minimal prompting/alcohol. Rides on the correct (left) side of the road, especially at night. Drinks beer with some dodgy-looking weasels on it. Often does above three simultaneously. Gives continuous impression of plush smoking jacket without actually wearing one.
Greatest Life Moment: said “Erm, excuse me?” to Jarvis Cocker while standing behind him in a queue at a music festival. Jarvis said “Oh, sorry, never mind, you go on.”
Secret Shame: Unknown...?
Life Goal: Unknown – probably not very nice.
Quotes: “Ah, good old Rohypnol.”

Inken Lillpopp – yes, that is her really name. It's Danish and it means “cute little doll”.

Hometown: Somewhere in Germany – curiously evasive as to exact location. Probably German. Potentially human. Possibly alien/replicant/cyborg/genetically-engineered Überfru.
Area of Study: Literature and Language
Physical Description: well, this is dangerous ground...something of a pocket-sized femme fatale: small and pretty, long straight sandy-brown hair, large dark eyes, winning smile, razor sharp teeth and a willingness to use them.
Special Powers: Highly developed Feminine Wiles – the pout and eyelash flutter that launched a thousand ships. Can only be subdued by singing and tailcoats – possibly a variety of Cerberus. Extremely dangerous: Approach With Caution.
Features: Totally Awesome. No, she is. No, I'm serious. I'm SERIOUS! She's TOTALLY AWESOME!!!! I just LOOOOOVE her. Really, it's truuuue! Even if she does steal my man choir hat and refuse to return it, requiring all my wits (or just a serenade on bended knee if I'm feeling lazy) to secure its safe return. Superstitious: believes Simon to be a kind of Ancient mariner-esque pariah, cursed with bad luck and ruining her winning streak at Monopoly.
Greatest Life Moment: sitting in Torrummet being serenaded by the entire Man Choir simultaneously.
Secret Shame: Unknown – Inken is very good at keeping secrets...
Life Goal: convince the entire Västgöta Manskör to marry her in a massed ceremony.
Quotes: Upon being denied what she wants/deserves: “DON'T TALK TO ME!”; Upon appearance, mention or suggestion of the mere existence of the Västgöta Manskör: “OMIGAWD MANCHOIR!!!!!”

“Icky” Matt Kalinowski

Hometown: Chicago. Or close enough, anyway.
Area of Study: Computer Science
Physical Description: Short-statured, heavily muscled, impressively scarred, with dark hair and eyes and and a dispossession cheery beyond reason. Like a tiny, joyful Rambo.
Special Powers: Eating – able to consume quantities of cake that would kill a lesser man, or even a small African country; Food ideas – not always as good as Lucy's in execution, but for sheer scale, scope, volume and sugar-levels he can't be beaten; Lifting stuff – a body-builder and weight-lifter, can dead-lift ridiculous weights, and some of the smaller Nation Houses; never too proud to piggy-back me around the dining room at Kalmars Nation during Sunday Fika...
History: Matt and I first met during Recentiors activities at VG, when (as you may recall from earlier postings) he was seen to roll 28 chokladbullar in 2 minutes – one every 4 seconds – his tiny leprechaun hands seemingly an advantage. Continuing in a theme of sweets, he introduced me to Somersby Pear Cider at our first little get-together at VG's Pub Djäknen, when we bonded as a group over drinking games. Matt was christened “Icky” (short for Icarus) by Simon during one of our weekly Sunday Fika at Kalmar nation – drawn to the smörgåsbord of delicious sandwiches, cakes, pies, biscuits and pastries like a moth to a bug-zapper, he attempted to eat one of everything (and two of some things) and...well, he flew too close to the sun.* Defining himself by food as always, his trademark event is the “explosion” – in which a food variety is rolled into a log shape and eaten – and while we will not mention the ill-fated “cookie dough explosion” or its aftermath, the Bacon Explosion was a delicious and artery-clogging success. I didn't have the bacon ice-cream though...
Features: Lives in squalor: room has no bedsheets, curtains, decorations or ornaments...just piles of stuff everywhere – clothes, shoes, electronic gizmos, weeks worth of dirty dishes, etc; Unable to handle consumption of anything not at least 48% sugar: nearly died while judging Vegemite vs. Marmite challenge; Doesn't appear to study, or indeed ever talk about studying – apparently just eats, trains, watches Dexter and plays Roller Coaster Tycoon when not hanging out with us; Covered in scars from repeated heart-surgeries: makes him look well-hard; Plans everything to excess: encouragements from the rest of us to be more spontaneous have resulted in fun times however – midnight nutella & banana crepes, for example. Putting Ljus Syrup on them was a bit too spontaneous though...I did warn him it was stronger than Maple Syrup...
Greatest Life Moment: every time the cake arrives.
Life Goal: to lift weights so heavy that he bleeds from his eyeballs.
Quotes: Icky's most famous contribution to the conversation is to rub his knuckles against your face when you least expect it...an affectionate gesture somewhere between Rainman and Lennie Small from Of Mice and Men. He also needs to be physically prevented from saying “That's what She said” at every possible juncture...

* Believe it or not, he did actually finish in the end...it just took a little time, a boxing coach-style pep-talk from Simon and a lot of ribbing from the rest of us...

Michael Browne

Hometown: somewhere in Yorkshire – or possibly Lancashire. Certainly comes from one and studies in the other one...can't quite remember. It seems rude to ask again.
Area of Study: Engineering
Physical Description: Tall and thin, long face which easily breaks into a cheeky grin.
Special Powers: Master of drinking games and card-shuffler extraordinaire; Phenomenal tolerance for alcohol. These two may linked...
History: Mike really deserves the credit for bringing our disparate little band of ragamuffins together – it was over his (and to a lesser extent Lucy's) drinking games at Djäknen that we first bonded as a group, sitting at the outside tables beside the Fyris, under the stars (and the space-heaters) on one of the last warm nights of the year. The shared intimacy of “Never have I ever” and the mutual blasphemy of combining in one activity playing cards, alcohol and the Holy Bible ensured a bond that could never be broken. Mike also deserves big props for his chip-cooking skills, his willingness to sleep upright in a chair in front of an open window in only his long-johns, and his pleasant habit of shouting everyone large quantities of alcohol.
Features: Pleasant northern accent, although increasingly incomprehensible when drunk; Player of volleyball – which he assures me is a very manly game, and not just something you do at the beach for a laugh; Brilliant taste in films and TV shows – introduced me to such delights as “Lesbian Vampire Killers” and “The Inbetweeners”; Drinks Newcastle Brown Ale, and unfortunately tries at every opportunity to get other people to do the same.
Greatest Life Moment: surely nothing can top giving a presentation on asphalt and bitumen, while hung over, after about four hours sleep in a chair.
Secret Shame: It ought to be having watched a film called “Lesbian Vampire Killers” more than once...but probably isn't.

Kreuz!!!!

Hometown: Berlin, Germany.
Area of Study: Theoretical Physics. Yes, another German Theoretical Physicist called Jonas. They're both vegetarians too, what of it?
Physical Description: Tall and finely built, sandy hair, disarming smile, eyes filled with madness/genius. Vague impression of a bird-of-prey which has already eaten, but is nevertheless watching you, keeping his options open.
Special Powers: Can use Science. Mad card-playing skillz tempered only by inability to remember suit names in English.
Features: Likes making horrendously un-PC jokes about Germans/Nazis/etc – when questioned, claims to be Polish. Can actually speak Polish, so may be telling the truth. Also c/f last name. Continuously disappointed by lack of decent coffee in Uppsala – developing theory that coffee improves the farther south one travels. Occasionally seen playing with his Kaosilator (Google it). May have invented Faster-than-light travel, but isn't telling anyone; ditto Cold Fusion, and probably even a way to eat tacos without stuff falling out the end. Genius.
Greatest Life Moment: Beyond your comprehension.
Secret Shame: None.
Life Goal: Open world's best cafe at South Pole. Or world domination. Whichever is available.
Quotes: “I like to sit up here in the window, I can look down on people.”

So there you are, now you have met some of my new Sweden friends. Sorry that there have been so few posts recently, but life (and a week without internet) have been getting in the way somewhat. I do have three other posts on the go at the moment however, so the chances of seeing something sooner rather than later are pretty good...perhaps I'll even have a special treat for you all...